Wednesday, November 16, 2011

ROCK THE DRAGON


or, A Nerdy White Boy's History with Dragon Ball

I was nine when Dragon Ball hit US syndication in '95. By then I'd already been very familiar with anime thanks to Superbook and having an older brother who bought awesome shit on VHS from Manga Video like Macross Plus and that. Watching TV one day and seeing an incredibly short TV spot for the show which I'd only ever seen once, I knew I had to be up that morning at 5 a.m. or whenever the hell it aired, 'cos I needed my anime fix.

Despite the show's censorship, I actually thought the show was surprisingly risque—still do. Dinosaur's head lopped off with blood squirting out, Bulma's Playboy bunny outfit, among other things. As a kid, I couldn't help but see it as being kind of adult. Then the show disappeared before I ever got to see the last few (out of 13) episodes and that was it.

DBZ came about half a year to a year later and I couldn't believe my eyes that the show had a sequel, and that Goku was grown up. I was the happiest kid right then and there when the first episode aired. But even then, I found it exceptionally cheesy when people didn't die but were sent to "THE NEXT DIMENSION!!!!!" and people being A-OK when whole cities were eradicated was some serious bullshit even to little ten-year-old me. When I saw Dead Zone on tape in either Suncoast, Sam Goody, or Best Buy (the last of which had an amazing selection of anime even back then), I begged my mom to get it for me right away and I was taken aback by the violence and profanity and weird music, and the show seemed rather weak by comparison. It was not long after that the Internet first entered our home and I did some searching for DBZ to come across a website that listed all of the censorship done in the US and chronicled all the changes complete with pictures and video. It was right then and there that I began aching for uncut DBZ—and that aching had pretty much lasted all this time as I never wanted to buy any of those fansubs as a kid, (a) because I didn't have the money, and (b) because even if I did, I had no interest in paying for shittydick-quality VHS dupes. Even as a kid before DVD came along I thought that was weak. So I just never got to see it and waited for it to come out in the US subbed and uncut.

Oh, that's the other thing: DBZ taught me to appreciate subs and eventually love them. I bought The Tree of Might on VHS (a movie I'd already caught on the air), not even realizing that anime was ever released in the US in Japanese, and I popped that sucker in that night to hear Japanese voices and having to read the dialog instead of hear it. That was a whole new experience for me, and it totally confused me at first until my brother explained it to me, to which I thought, "Oh, cool." I—and my brother as well, oddly enough (he'd bought anime dubbed until then)—quickly became sub Nazis. Though I still think the Ocean dubs for the first three movies are awesome, particularly since they kept the original music. Wish I still had all my tapes, including the ones for the TV series... They really did have some great art on them. When I was approaching 13, I'd felt that I had outgrown the show and so sold off most of my tapes (including the very first two or three episodes sold as a movie in that awesome golden bubble case) to my best friend who by that point loved the show more than me, though I kept the dubbed Dead Zone tape and all of the original tapes for Dragon Ball since I found that show to be much more entertaining, and its lower level of censorship more bearable.

Then both shows came back on Cartoon Network, I didn't have cable so there was no way I could see it, and being in my mid teens I just did not care by that point because all I wanted was to see the show completely uncut and subbed, but there was no way I'd start from a fourth of the way or whatever into the show.

That's when the uncut DVDs by FUNimation came out, when I was 17 or 18 or so, and I said fuck no because they were only three or four episodes a disc and insanely expensive. (Good for me, because FUNimation stopped releasing that line after only eight or so DVDs anyway and I picked them up years later for peanuts and they remain unwatched, except for when I want to sample the video quality.) By that point my tolerance for anime prices had disappeared—probably because I was the one actually buying my shit then (well, since I was 12, actually—worked for my dad but put most of my money toward N64 games)—but also because I just wasn't all that into cartoons and movies at the time (Evil Dead series aside, which I watched religiously), and spent most of my money not used on gas and food on music CDs. (The "orange brick" season sets came a few years later, but I'd never be crazy enough to buy those ugly masters.)

But then when I was approaching or was already in my 20s, I felt a desire to watch the whole series, from Dragon Ball to the end of Z. DeepDiscount had a sale, I bought all of the Saga sets of the original series, and began watching those, clamoring for the first 13 episodes subbed and uncut but enjoying the series nonetheless. But I watched it slowly. Eeeeeever so slowly. I bought those DVDs like six years ago and only JUST finished them a couple weeks ago. Meanwhile I was buying all of the DBZ Dragon Boxes for when I eventually do finish the original series, but now with the Level Blu-rays, it's kind of serendipitous that I can now continue the series with Z in muthafukken HD!!!!! But BLAST those discs for not having the episodes' Japanese title cards... No opening/closing credits I can deal with, next episode previews I rarely ever watch anyway, but I CANNOT STAND THOSE PHOTOSHOP-FOR-RETARDS-IFIED ENGLISH TITLE CARDS! Oh well. Quality of the picture seems really astounding, so I can deal with those, although begrudgingly. Sent FUNimation an email about it. They damn well better fix this problem on future sets.

Hoo, shit... Here I've spent all this time reminiscing and using more potty words than I probably should. Looking forward to getting my Level 1.1 BD and finally being able to see the series subbed and uncut fifteen years after I initially had that urge, so this has been a long wait (which is why I'm so pissed Amazon didn't ship out my pre-order until today, ensuring I won't get the disc until two weeks after release date—the bastids).

I'd buy all of the manga if it weren't censored in the States (razzin' frazzin'). When there are official nude drawings of Bulma, I wanna see that shit.


Pafu pafu!

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

A film I'd never heard of...

...until watching the Swallowed Souls: The Making of Evil Dead II documentary.



This short film about the Hamburger Helper Helping Hand gone evil was an inspiration for Evil Dead II, Sam Raimi not wanting to make it a straight horror film but asking Scott Spiegel to co-write the film. Some of the gags in this short were later used in ED II scenes involving the severed hand.

Hopefully this and Within the Woods will see a home video release as extras on a future Evil Dead Blu-ray (since Anchor Bay and Lionsgate are bound to milk out several).

On that note, the new ED II 25th Anniversary Blu-ray by Lionsgate is a revelation. Never have I seen the film looking this good. It's not the amazing restoration that the first film received, but it's still really darn good. Time to ditch the ugly Anchor Bay Blu-ray—yech!

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Natch

How do you improve upon a song 15 years after initially recording?



Playing it fucking live with shit-heavy drums and noisy synths and that.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Rebel devil



I did up this picture in Photoshop many moons ago (file date says April 2004), something I did to totally rip on a guy I'd known online for years and who was being kind of an asshole, in retaliation to me being an asshole, I believe; so it really was probably unwarranted, but being the turd that I was at the time, I could not resist.

It shows off my exceptional (read: inept) Shooping skillz, and I'm still pleased with how the pentagram serves as a launchpad for the (coin-operated) bike. Beautiful.

The dude's name is Devilotx, a Transformers-loving fat dude. We're friends now, and I don't think we'd ever stopped being friends, but we did kinda hate each other for a while.

He was all into Satanism and such (I believe he was an official at a church for a time), and was really into ICP, using images of theirs as message board avatars and signature pics, usually accompanied by crummy lyrics. I changed my username on the board and used this as my sig pic, with the following lyrics below which I'd written for the occasion:

I fucked her in the ear
with my Colt .45
watching her squirm
and hearing her scream before I pulled the trigger
Firing the bullet that symbolized all my hate and disgust
And contempt for the world she blindly so loved
For she loved the world and happiness and all things nice
but she left me...thinking me a monster
That was reason enough to kill
She sucked the schlong of another
The cold-hearted bitch...
I'd thought many a time of tearing out her heart
and feasting upon it over my unwieldy hog
my shining beauty...
the only thing that now matters in this world
My badass ride, forged from the steel of
the most evil Decepticon, Starscream
in the deepest fiery layers of hell itself
We ride through the night, dark alleys, neighborhoods, and grocery store aisles
slaying those that love God...our enemy
Beridding all those that cast me out, shunned
mocked, laughed with such scornful fear
for yes, they fear
they fear as they see me and my ride come at full force
I carrying the pipe that mashes their frail faces
Spinning their bodies out of control, to slump to the ground
dead.....and bleeding
I laugh at them...laughing at God
laughing that the heaven they desired did not exist
for all there is is Satan, the Devil, Lucifer, Beelzebub, Prince of Darkness
.....my fair friend
A rider for evil,
such is I;
and my loathsome fat body
shall never rest
till all self-described good are perished
My ex-wife was one to be put down...and I did just that
and I..........was satisfied...........


A masterpiece, is it not? Did I mention this was right after his wife had cheated on him? Yeah, that's fucking low, I know...

Anyway, I was going through old image files and decided to share this, to make an online archive of it.

Monday, November 7, 2011

BLOWJOBS FOR STEVE JOBS

ought to be the title of a film documenting the insane amount of books and films coming out that are all over Jobs' dead nuts, all these assholes making a buck off a man's death.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Porno fighters

Found these titles I had jotted down in my phone's memos; remember the titles but dunno why or when I thought 'em up. Likely something I giggled about just before zonking out for the night/real early morning just as the sun's rising.

Oral Kumsplat

Super Teat Biter 2 Turbo

Available to play on your Pooper Nintendong.

(OK, this may be the most juvenile, retarded post I'll ever make. Or it very well may not be.)

Saturday, October 29, 2011

"I'll give you a romance"

Is it possible for a single music video to be THE GREATEST music video ever made? I think so; I also think I've found that video, which has been my favorite for a few years now.

The song: Frankmusik's "3 Little Words". It's the second version/video of the song, and this thing just fills me with a whole boat-truckin' load of joy.



It was produced by one Stuart Price, who's big in the UK but if you asked anybody here who that is, they'd likely say, "Huh? Wha're you tal'i' abou'?" He had this little project called Les Rythmes Digitales that launched him into stardom at the turn of the century and he's been a much sought-after producer and remixer ever since. Darkdancer is one of my favorite albums, a very retro-sounding electroclash/synth pop kind of affair (it along with Daft Punk's Discovery convinced Felix da Housecat to drop the bump--bump-bump-bump---bump-bump-bump---bump-bump-bump house tunes in favor of a more electroclash sound), and I own it twice over: the US release, which has an additional track and some different mixes, and the re-released UK edition with bonus disc (and I'd get the LP for the long mix of "Dreamin' " if I had the means to play it).

Anyway, in short, Stuart Price (also known as Jacques Lu Cont) kicks ass, and it's perfect that he'd lend his talents to this hit electropop song by a young wanker in his 20s who thinks he's all that. (Sorry, Vincent Frank—wait, I'm not: you seem like a cocky asshole, but I love your music all the same. I may also just be a little bit jealous of all the hot poontang you bring home.)

So the song rips and roars, but why's the video so good? In a few words: epileptic spazzo, supremely cute girls, cool dance moves, fruity colors, giant keyboard, and just an overall energy that really drives me to full-mast. It's sunny, it's eelektronique in the truest sense, it's warm and fuzzy, and gosh I wish I were snuggling with that blond right now and always. Brunet is babely also; love that little choo-choo train thing they do around 1:53.

Here's the first version of the song, which also kicks ass.



I find myself enjoying this self-produced Frankisum EP version more, but the video, while fun, has nothing on the major single release. Though strangely, I think I like the third mix, the Complete Me album version, most of all... (Similar to the single mix, being co-produced by Price, but having the roughness of Frank's production style.)

Time to go watch the single version for the hundredth time before going to bed. And hopefully dream an endless dream of snuggling with the blond gal.

Friday, July 22, 2011

The Incomplete List of Movies That Need to Be Turned Up Really Loud in Order to Be Enjoyed Fully

- The Transformers: The Movie (1986)
- Mad Max
- Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990)
- the first twenty minutes or so of Akira

More to come.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Best commercial

Now you may be wondering, "Mr. Swank, what is your absolute FAVORITE commercial OF ALL TIME?" Stay awhile and listen.



Truly the greatest commercial I've ever seen.

This was directed by one of my favorite filmmakers, Shinya Tsukamoto, and features music by one of my favorite bands, Nine Inch Nails. The latter needs no introduction nor explanation, but let me tell you a bit about Tsukamoto.

He's crazy. He's insanely gifted. He did this little black and white independent film in the late '80s called Tetsuo: The Iron Man. It's my favorite of his films, and one of my absolute favorite movies ever. Go see it. It's available to watch on YouTube. It's also currently available on Netflix streaming.

The MTV Japan advert above was done in the same hyperkinetic weird-out style as the first Tetsuo film. Wild stop-motion, body horror, clangy sounds, all with a strong punk/cyberpunk attitude. Tetsuo, this commercial, and the short film Denchu Kozo no boken (which translates to The Adventure of the Young Electricity Pole Priest or something absurd like that, and can be viewed on YouTube—I recommend it) are the only films of Tsukamoto's, to my knowledge, which are done in this style—though other films, like Sogo "Dragon" Ishii's superb(ly noisy) Electric Dragon 80000V (trailer) capture the same kind of look and feel as these.

Right. Buncha shaznat nobody else really cares about, but at least I get to pour my heart out.

(Originally posted December 23, 2010.)

Monday, April 4, 2011

Prime Directive #1: Advertise

You may be wondering, "Mr. Swank, what is your second favorite commercial OF ALL TIME?" No? Well, I'll tell you what it is regardless.

What is it? Well, it's a Korean commercial featuring RoboCop advertising fried chicken.



This thing makes me giggle with glee. I don't know what the actual brand name is, but it sounds like "What the Hell? Frieda Chicken!", and that little jingle at the end makes the name so much better.

There are many memorable quotes in these thirty seconds of glory. Sayings that we should all use in our everyday lives in the kitchen or at a restaurant, such as, "Yo! I'm about to eat," when we sit down to feast; or, "Can I get a dessert?" when we're ready for that after-dinner delicious treat; and, when entering a KFC, looking at the buffet with astonishment, exclaiming (albeit in a monotonous, bassy tone), "Oh, what the hell, frieda chicken."

Truly a magnificent commercial—especially since it stars RoboCop, the first film of his coming close to being my favorite, following Blade Runner (which reigns supreme, particularly Ridley Scott's definitive Final Cut).

For some reason, there are a variety of other RoboCop commercials from Asian countries, mostly Japan. East Asia (or at least Japan and South Korea) must have been pretty obsessed with the guy for a while. I'll post the ones that I know of, seeing as how they all tickle my fancy.


RoboCop is grateful for his noodles.


RoboCop knows the perfect solution for eradicating cockroaches.


RoboCop endorses new, sophisticated machines—Sony VCRs, just what the video people of the world were expecting.


I want some of that super swing system. And super surround...something.

Those are the ones that I'm aware of. I hope to discover more Asian commercials with RoboCop advertising food and household appliances.



(Originally posted January 8, 2011.)

Post

I don't know what this blog is about. Crap, perhaps. Just another guy thinking he'd interest people by posting a whole lot about nothing.

The first post after this one will actually be a re-post from another blog of mine, one which I'm unsure will move forward. So, perhaps post-next post posts will be in a similar vein, or completely different, like me whining about how much life sucks or something.

Enjoy?